Comedian Jay Leno once said, ‘that anyone who says their marriage is hard work probably isn’t in a very good marriage.’ Marriage isn’t just a state of being. It requires time, thought and attention. It is a million separate actions taken in order to stay with someone, share a life with someone, have a partnership with someone, appreciate and support someone, cultivate love with someone – actions taken consistently over the long haul.
Making a commitment on your wedding day takes one little ‘I do.’ Living the commitment every day takes a lot of doing. In short, just because you know how to get married doesn’t mean you know how to be married.
There’s no faster way to kill love than to blame the other party for not doing what you ought to do for yourself. To be sure, you can be blissfully happy with a partner, but you can’t hold him or her responsible for making and keeping you happy. It’s not fair and it’s not possible. That’s expecting your partner to do it all for you: make you happy, fix you, fulfill you, complete you, define you, and make your life meaningful for you.
It seems that Arnold Schwarzenegger had it right when he met Maria Shriver. After a while together, my future husband said to me, ‘Don’t expect or rely on me to make you happy.’ Well, I thought, isn’t his grasp of the English language adorable. He doesn’t realize what he is saying. Who else is supposed to make me happy, if not him? But he was adamant. ‘You must be happy with yourself first. Be happy with your life separate from what the other person brings to the table.’ This was serious. He told me he would be ‘the icing on the cake, but I shouldn’t expect him to be the whole desert.’
You must work at making your own life and identity. It’s within you to carve out your own future, and create your own destiny. I am happy to say that I am marrying someone who recognizes me as an individual first and foremost and that my life apart from him is as important to me as our life together.
Making a commitment on your wedding day takes one little ‘I do.’ Living the commitment every day takes a lot of doing. In short, just because you know how to get married doesn’t mean you know how to be married.
There’s no faster way to kill love than to blame the other party for not doing what you ought to do for yourself. To be sure, you can be blissfully happy with a partner, but you can’t hold him or her responsible for making and keeping you happy. It’s not fair and it’s not possible. That’s expecting your partner to do it all for you: make you happy, fix you, fulfill you, complete you, define you, and make your life meaningful for you.
It seems that Arnold Schwarzenegger had it right when he met Maria Shriver. After a while together, my future husband said to me, ‘Don’t expect or rely on me to make you happy.’ Well, I thought, isn’t his grasp of the English language adorable. He doesn’t realize what he is saying. Who else is supposed to make me happy, if not him? But he was adamant. ‘You must be happy with yourself first. Be happy with your life separate from what the other person brings to the table.’ This was serious. He told me he would be ‘the icing on the cake, but I shouldn’t expect him to be the whole desert.’
You must work at making your own life and identity. It’s within you to carve out your own future, and create your own destiny. I am happy to say that I am marrying someone who recognizes me as an individual first and foremost and that my life apart from him is as important to me as our life together.
2 comments:
I went to a memorial service today for my friend who celebrated her 60th birthday in April, her 41st year with her husband and the birth of her second grandson in July. Shortly after his birth she was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. In less than 3 months she died. At her service today her husband said that Jenny was his 'north, south, east, and west'. Whatever he wanted to do, she was happy. Whatever she wanted to do, she was happy. She was John's icing, as Henry is for me and I know that I am for him. Marriage is a great thing. It is not 50/50, it is 110% and 110% - always.
I am so happy for you and Guy. Live a long life together.
THANKS RUTH - that was very sweet and I appreciate the well wishes!
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